Nothing Says Resentment Like Unfulfilled Expectations

Nothing ramps up the expectation generator like holidays, special occasions, and other rites of passage. The word expectation comes from the Latin expectare, which means to await or look out for. We all have expectations and many of them are legitimate. In the context of a committed relationship, each of us has a legitimate expectation of honesty. My students have a legitimate expectation I will come to class prepared.

Legitimate expectations are grounded in an important sense. They arise out of particular contexts in which parties have a shared understanding of the nature of the relationship and shared goals. Legitimate expectations are tethered to reality in an important way; they are neither free-floating nor fly in the face of reality.

Even in cases where expectations are legitimate, they may not always be met. In a committed relationship, one person may not be completely honest and reveal that she is planning a surprise party. I may not be fully prepared for a class because I have spent the previous day in the emergency room with a friend.

Disappointments may follow from legitimate expectations not being met, but these disappointments can often be alleviated and redressed. I can explain to my students what happened and offer to meet outside of class time. The surprise-planning person may hear from their partner that the whispered conversations or sudden silences they experienced when they walked into a room felt scary and suspicious. Disappointments and dashed legitimate expectations may prompt some resentment, but that resentment should have a relatively short life.

Holding on to it and even cultivating it signal something is far more amiss in a relationship. Disappointment can provide opportunities—wanted or unwanted--to revisit expectations and the relationships in which they have their lives.

Less legitimate or inappropriate expectations tend to be untethered from reality in important ways. Expectations are tricky little buggers because they have both affective/emotional content and cognitive content.

Oftentimes, the affective content sprints far ahead of the cognitive content. What one wishes and hopes for becomes what one expects. One awaits or looks out for what one wishes, hopes, and imagines. This wishfulness along with the imaginings tends to smother the rational/cognitive dimension, resulting in untethered expectations. The inappropriate expectations are the ones that can generate huge resentments. An example will help to clarify.

An extended family has a rotation for hosting big family events. Cathy is slated to host the next one. When her sister hosted, it was a smashing success. Everything was great—the food absolutely delicious, the house festively decorated, cousins playing well together, and siblings kind to one another. Cathy expects her gathering to be just as successful. The food will be great (even though she can’t really cook). The house will look beautiful (even though her idea of decorating is festive dust bunnies). The cousins will play well together (even though they’re a year older), and siblings will be kind to each other (even though they had a recent blow-up over caring for a parent).

Cathy’s wishing for all these things fills her mind, quieting the voice that reminds her about certain realities. She may willfully ignore certain facts. She hates to cook. She has no interest in decorating. She knows there are huge developmental differences between children of different ages. As for the fighting siblings, she knows they are not the sort to give up grievances and tend to regress to their least attractive teenage selves. She knows all of this, and yet her wishes power rich and robust imaginings—dreams even--of the event. She’s awaiting and looking for every wonderful thing she has imagined.

There are multiple sets of expectations running in this all-too-familiar scenario. It is not a happy festive occasion. Cathy has expectations of other people to act in ways she thinks will be appropriate. She is trying to manufacture a situation for people to act in ways she knows (on some level) they will not. Cathy will direct her resentment at others. But there’s enough of it left over to direct at herself.

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Cathy might stop to consider the expectations she put on herself. In some sense, she does the same thing to herself that she does to others. She knows she hates to cook but yet she expects herself to create a culinary masterpiece in a setting that could be featured in Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Will Cathy resent these expectations or resent the fact that she could not meet them? Most likely, she will resent both.

How can people avoid being trapped in this cycle of expectation-disappointment-resentment? We can look to the ancient philosopher Epictetus (c. 55- c. 135) who offers wise counsel on recognizing and respecting the line between what matters are up to us and those that are not.

Our opinions and attitudes are up to us, while much of the external world and reality are beyond our control. An attitude of expectation where we await and look for things as we imagine they should be is one that we can control. We can learn to adjust the balance between our wishes and our rational assessments about how much we can shape reality.

As Epictetus advises, “Do not seek to have events happen as you want then to, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well.” Adopting this manner of living short-circuits the expectations-resentment loop and positions a person to appreciate what actually does happen.