I’m getting a job at The Daily Planet

In the nineties, there was a little piece of television gold on the airwaves staring Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher: Lois & Clark, The New Adventures of Superman.

I loved that show and faithfully tuned in every week. Thirty years later, with the help of the internet and streaming television providers, I have rediscovered this little gem and have consequently binged-watched four seasons over the course of about two weeks.

The nostalgia is all there, it’s still a great show — albeit a bit more campy than I remember. But there’s one big difference to Lois & Clark for me now: I’m a newspaper editor.

You see, there’s a third major character on the show that I never quite appreciated in my youth: The Daily Planet.

We’re all familiar with the basic Superman story: A baby was sent to Earth from the doomed planet Krypton and lands in Smallville, Kansas, where he’s adopted and raised by the Kent family. Our yellow sun gives him amazing abilities and he fights for “truth, justice and the American way” as Superman. When he’s not flying around saving the world in a red cape, he’s Clark Kent, a newspaper reporter at The Daily Planet. Nobody — not even fellow reporter/love interest Lois Lane — suspects Clark is Superman because, you know, Clark wears glasses.

But I didn’t bring you here today to talk about Superman’s adventures, I want to talk about Clark’s. And Lois’. And Perry White and Jimmy Olsen’s and all the other people in and around The Daily Planet. Which, as far as I can tell, seems to have a budget roughly the same size as the Pentagon’s.

It’s insane.

A man successfully maintaining his secret identity (in a room full of investigative reporters) using only a pair of glasses is way more plausible than how they portray an actual working newspaper.

For one, the staff. The sheer number of people they have working at The Planet is astounding — they’ve got a guy for everything. No, scratch that. They’ve got a department for everything. Typically, (in real life) newspapers are divided into three main departments — editorial, advertising, and circulation. Everything else just falls into one of those three.

But at the Planet? They have a research department! They have a legal department! Actually, they seem to have entire floors of their prime-location downtown high-rise building dedicated to the stuff.

“Jimmy, take this copy up to re-write and let them take another crack at it,” hollers Planet editor Perry White.

What in the world is “re-write?” Are you telling me they have an entire department (or floor?!?) of people who just re-write the reporters’ stories after Perry edits them? Is that a real thing?

Something else that struck me as funny was their portrayal of a press pass being some kind of a magical, all-access device. Active crime scene? No problem, just show the cops your press pass. Need to bypass airline security? It’s cool, just flash that press pass. You need the security footage from inside the bank that was just robbed? No way. Oh, wait. You have a press pass? Nevermind, of course I’ll get you a copy right away! Don’t be silly, there’s no need to file a FOIA with the local police, pay a fee, and wait six weeks for a response!

It’s hilarious. I’ve had more scrutiny with my press pass at local high school football games than Lois Lane gets at The White House.

Lastly, the technology. These reporters are compiling databases and cross-referencing criminal records with high school yearbooks — all with a few keystrokes! Now, I know the internet was gaining popularity around this time (the show came out in 1993) but come on! I mean, Google wasn’t even a thing yet! And the idea of a newsroom having access to this top-of-the-line equipment? Ha! I literally just stopped using Windows 7 last week.

All in all, I get you have to make certain allowances for the advancement of a plot when it comes to TV and film — and I’m OK with that. It’s still a great show and honestly, judging from my career choice, probably had more of an influence on me than I realized.

After all, I wear glasses too …

Now send this column off to re-write! Pronto!