GRIEF DOESN’T DO MATH

Undoubtedly there are landmark movements on the stages of grief with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ infamous five stages sustaining the most prodigious prominence. The millions of individuals who have obtained substantial alleviation from the grief-staging approach can attest to its myriad benefits. This project’s purpose is to bring into question the grief stages concept, while recognizing its potential as a healing balm. This objective observation is, if you will, for people who, like me, could not work a linear path along grief’s sojourn. After my husband passed away, I found myself in all, or various parts, of the stages simultaneously over a half decade’s span. Our son, who was age four at the time, has endured his own harrowing grief experience with the acceptance piece appearing futile. As a chaplain, I have had the joy of listening to others’ life stories. A patient named Carol, whilst discussing her husband’s death, poignantly labeled her grief journey a “five-year fog.” This fog is precisely why the five stages are lacking in efficiency and meaning. That being said, the five stages are now ingrained into the paradigm of human consciousness. Of the stages, pastoral theologian Bonnie Miller-McLemore reveals, “Not only have they permeated the professional world of the hospital, they have also shaped attitudes and oriented the thinking of the general public.” While clanging a resounding gong of inquiry into the five stages is a daunting task, it is well worth an in depth perusal. Lamentably, the loss of loved ones is a certainty. We will all be grievers at some point in our lives. This inevitability is precisely the reason for this project: to find additional, alternative grieving methods. Full expressions of grief are part and parcel of the grieving experience. To suggest removal of such expression is to neglect a mandatory process necessary for healing and recovery. Rather than remain bottled up within an individual, or placed on a spectrum, the gamut of emotions need to surface. By removing the exhortation of stages, a griever can mourn as they see fit. Thus, autonomy is returned to its rightful owner, stages be damned.