It would be hard for most of us to consider life without using those three little words: Woulda,” “Coulda,” and “Shoulda.”  They are used as we look back over our shoulder at our life and experience. Most often, this backward look has the effect of our seeing what we have done (or what was done to us) in a negative light. These statements have the effect of dismissing what we can do, rejecting our successes, or viewing our previous experiences with disdain.

The other side of W/C/S thinking is often to build others up to unimaginable and even improbable heights. Basically, W/C/S thinking is dismissive. That is, it dismisses what we have done and builds up the accomplishments and achievements of others unrealistically. W/C/S thinking is just that -  thinking. The fact that we may think something does not make it real, even though it feels real enough. For example, you might think of what you SHOULD have said in a particular interaction. You may spend large amounts of time, energy, and effort reviewing what was said and done and how, if you COULD go back and change it you WOULD. In some ways that type of thinking may motivate us to acquire new skills, learn new techniques, or work to improve our abilities. More frequently, however, we spend days, months or even years in the W/C/S review that has more to do with being stuck and motivating us to not move ahead.

This is not to suggest that W/C/S is unrealistic, wrong, bad, or neurotic. At its worst it is hurtful, maladaptive, and dysfunctional. The hurtful effect is what we say to ourselves AFTER the W/C/S statement. For example:  If we say, “I should have stood up to my wife/husband in that argument,” there would be little negative impact. It stands as a statement of desire. If however, we say, “I should have stood up to my wife/husband in that argument... and I didn’t which makes me the world’s biggest loser.” Or, “I should have stood up to my wife/husband in that argument... and in not doing so I showed how stupid I am,” we might feel frustrated, sad, angry, depressed, or discouraged. Alternatively, if we say, “I should have stood up to my wife/husband in that argument... and I didn’t so maybe I need to learn better assertiveness skills, or improve my communication skills,” it may be the impetus to acquire new skills and improve communication.

Many folks live in their “Hall of Memories” which is like a museum of life experience. Just as we would in a museum, we tour each exhibit and think about want has happened, what is happening, and what will happen in the future.

The goal of the upcoming workshop, Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Helping Your Clients Overcome Regrets, Mistakes and Missed Opportunities, is to help clients to overcome their ongoing regrets, overlook and forgive themselves and others for the past mistakes of word or deed, and to limit the reviewing of the missed opportunities that may have been lost. Moving ahead of the negative events of the past allows us to live a more productive and positive life in the present and into the future.

---

Click Here to learn more!