I shared in parent group this week that my five year old, when feeling particularly anxious about the world, will pretend he is a ninja or a superhero. There was a lot of this play before he began at his new school, and again, last week, during the fires. In addition to joining his play, letting him train me to also be a ninja, hiding behind trees so he can check for “bad guys” while we’re walking, etc can be helpful. I also will look for opportunities to share how safe our home is. “Look Buggy, I put the top lock on the door, now no one can get in.” “Mommy and Daddy know a lot of our neighbors and we all work together to keep our neighborhood safe.” “Mommy and Daddy know how to keep you and all of us safe, it’s not your worry.”
Narration is a tool where we try to interpret the unconscious message being presented, and add language to help externalize and respond to it. Sometimes it can be simply a wonder, as in, “I wonder, if you’re worried.” A step further might be, “I see your body moving fast, I wonder if you’re having a worry.” Or in my son’s case, “I wonder if the
ninja is showing up because G feels worried about something?”
Psychodynamic therapy, at its very core, is interested in bringing the internal feelings to the surface. On the surface we can wrestle with them, we can process them, we can start to metabolize and make them feel smaller and less overwhelming. Kept inside,
sadness, anger, fear can create agitation, irritability, and defensive behaviors. These feelings don’t go away, they become something else, sometimes something harder to manage.
Sometimes, as adults and parents, we’re faced with our own worries and sadness at the same time that our children are going through something hard. This makes narration a bit more challenging, but also, more important. Our kids, especially neurodivergent kids, are particularly attuned to our feelings. Put another way, they have excellent bullshit detectors. This makes it so important to externalize our own feelings in a developmentally appropriate way, so that there isn’t a disconnect between what you’re saying to your kids and what you're feeling internally. The disconnect can create a sort of “nameless dread,” a feeling like something is wrong and it must be really bad, because mom and dad aren’t talking about it.
The past few weeks in southern California have brought this situation into focus. As adults, many of us have very frayed nervous systems. The tragedy unfolding in our communities, having to evacuate and hold space for the unknown, and, for many in our
community, the loss of family homes, created situations that seem unthinkable, much
less narratable for our children.
Some narrations that we offer as a general response to the fires are: “There was a big fire and lots of wind and lots of adults were working on putting out the fire.” “We had to leave our home to make room for the adults and the trucks to help put out
the fire." Or, "we had to leave our home because there was so much smoke in the air, so we went somewhere that had cleaner air to breathe.”
Sometimes, adults have to make really hard decisions. Mommy and Daddy will always
choose to keep you and our family and our pets safe. Now, Mommy and Daddy are getting help from other adults to make sure we have a home, and clothes. Things are going to be different for a little while. We might feel sad, or angry, or worried. That all
makes sense. I am so glad we’re together and we’re safe, and we can figure the rest out slowly. “
When words fail, you can always draw with your kids. Draw about the house, the fires, the firefighters, the big or little feelings. Most of all, remember to take time to process your own feelings. We have an alumni support group once a month, a facebook group, where you can reach out to other
families, and we are available to you in whatever way we can offer support.
Here is a link for a story that Quint Paige shared with us about fires that is accessible to
kids.
We are thinking about you all and know how hard this time must feel.
