Race Manners: Which Black People Should I Believe?
Thinking about Race (September 2021)
June 28, 2021, The New York Times
By Jené Desmond-Harris
As you know, there’s no committee that gets a consensus from the over 41 million Black people in this country and issues proclamations about the right way for white people to think about racism.
For what it’s worth, the fact that you care at all — that you value what Black people have to say and that you take seriously the idea of listening — puts you ahead of plenty of Americans who wholly disregard what Black people experience or simply want the worst for us. So, in my opinion, you’re on the right track.
And I have empathy for you because I’ve been there — wanting to do the right thing when it comes to marginalized groups to which I don’t belong, while encountering conflicting takes about what the right thing is. Is it helpful to transgender people or cringeworthy for cis people to put pronouns in our bios and email signatures? Are straight people a supportive or annoying presence at Pride? Am I honoring or alienating people if I use “Latinx” instead of “Latino”? Is “fat” a straightforward descriptor that I should use to support people who have reclaimed it, or is the pain the word still causes for some reason enough to avoid it?
I’ve had to accept that there won’t be a single clear answer and that I have to take responsibility for wherever I land on these questions. To get to a similar place, here’s what I think you should do: When you’re thinking about this, start by replacing “Black people want racism to stop playing such a big role in their lives, and I want to make sure I’m listening to the right ones so that I can feel like a good ally” with “I want racism to stop playing such a big role in all of our lives, and I’ll support things that I believe will make that happen.” You’ve heard the expression about how we need co-conspirators, not allies, right? Even if you’re not personally a victim of racism, you can — and should — still think of yourself as someone who has skin in the game.
This column is prepared by the BYM Working Group on Racism (WGR) and sent to the designated liaisons at each Monthly and Preparative Meeting for publication in their newsletter or other means of dissemination. The WGR meets most months on the first Saturday from 10:00 am to 1:00 pm, at various Meetings. If you would like to attend, on a regular or a drop-in basis, contact clerk David Etheridge.
