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By Lynne Myavec
“It’s not fair!” Have you heard these words uttered by your middle school daughter in recent months? We hear it at school from time to time, and frankly, we expect to! Fairness is an important issue to early adolescents. |
Although middle school girls can be somewhat reactive at times just on general principle, it’s been my experience that the “it’s not fair” complaint typically stems from one of the following four perspectives:
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| 1. Fairness is interpreted by many adolescent girls as “sameness” or “equality.” In fact, though, it is not fair to treat all siblings in the family the same, as if they were cookie cutters of one another, or to have equal expectations for 11-year-olds and 14-year-olds … that would be very unfair.
2. Some middle school girls have only recently discovered the fallibility of the adults in their lives. Some are disappointed by that discovery, some are empowered by it, but many go through at least a period of feeling they can be adults better than the adults themselves. This feeling can lead to a subsequent belief that they, the adolescents, are truly the ones qualified to make judgments, determine fairness, and “keep score.” Sometimes this is true; sometimes it is not.
3. Along with a middle school girl’s growing ability to think abstractly and make conjectures comes an ability to see the “grey areas” in many situations. Interestingly, those instances where she perceives the grey are often those where the adult is convinced it’s a clear-cut black and white issue, or vice versa! This difference in perceptions can easily lead to questions of fairness.
4. Finally, for many adolescents, “That’s not fair!” translates as “You didn’t hear my side.” Girls who are wrestling with issues of right and wrong or fair and unfair wish to be heard. They may not end up any happier about the decision in question, but they are capable of a conversation that elicits understanding by all parties.
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| It can be frustrating to hear complaints of unfairness, and sometimes, of course, the only response available is, “You’re right. Sometimes things aren’t fair.” However, seeing “fairness” through the eyes of an adolescent may help you understand the source of the complaint and may, on occasion, help diminish the parental frustration just a bit. After all, that’s only fair.
This article was first published as a letter in the book “Be the Line: Thoughts on Parenting an Adolescent Girl,” a compilation of weekly missives written by Middle School Director Lynne Myavec during her tenure at The Agnes Irwin School. The book was published in 2015, by The Agnes Irwin School.
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| The best way to learn about Agnes Irwin is to experience it for yourself. Our annual Open Houses are one way to do just that.
Lower School - Tuesday, February 23 • 8:30-10 a.m. For families considering grades PreK-4. Join us for classroom visits, meet our faculty, students and current parents, and tour the Lower School.
Middle/Upper Schools - Wednesday, March 16 • 8:30-10 a.m. For families considering grades 5-12. Visit classrooms, meet our students and faculty, and tour our campus.
All School - Wednesday, April 6 • 5:30-7:30 p.m. An introduction to Agnes Irwin for families considering grades PreK-12. Join us to meet our faculty, students and current parents, and tour the campus.
All School - Thursday, April 28 • 8:30-10 a.m. An introduction to Agnes Irwin for families considering grades PreK-12. Visit classrooms, meet our students and faculty, and tour our campus.
Please register at www.agnesirwin.org/openhouse
NEW THIS YEAR! Touring Tuesdays – Drop in at 8:30 a.m. for a campus tour or to meet Admission staff. No appointment necessary. Check www.agnesirwin.org/openhouse for dates.
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| Middle School Workshop for Emerging Girl Leaders -- “What Do You Want on Your Pizza?”
Saturday, February 20
9:45 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
The Agnes Irwin School
Come to the second in a series of leadership workshops especially for girls in fifth and sixth grades. Through fun, interactive and reflective activities, participants will hone in on who they are and what they stand for. This workshop series is a Leadership initiative of the Center for the Advancement of Girls at Agnes Irwin. To register, contact Ali Brant at abrant@agnesirwin.org.
Little Owls in Action -- Weekend programs specially designed for girls ages 3-6
Saturday, February 27 – Discovering STEM
Sunday, March 20 – Art
The Agnes Irwin School
These one-hour enrichment activities integrate literacy, hands-on exploration and collaborative learning. To register, visit www.agnesirwin.org/littleowls.
Spring Speaker: Dr. Frances Jensen, Author of “The Teenage Brain”
Tuesday, May 3
7-9 p.m. * Free and open to the public
The Agnes Irwin School * West-Wike Theatre
Renowned neurologist Dr. Frances E. Jensen will unravel the mysteries of adolescent behavior and propensity to addiction and impulsive actions during a talk about her new book, “The Teenage Brain.” Jensen, Professor and Chair of the Department of Neurology at the Perelman School of Medicine, University of Pennsylvania, offers a “revolutionary look at the science of the adolescent brain, providing remarkable insights that translate into practical advice for both parents and teenagers,” says her publisher, Harper Collins.
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| The Agnes Irwin School
Ithan Ave. and Conestoga Rd.
Rosemont, PA 19010
610-525-8400
www.agnesirwin.org
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