RELATIONSHIP REPAIR
By Jeff Hickey, LCSW, Director, Chicago Center for EFT
Most of us have been there at one time or another: we’re sitting with a couple in the midst of high conflict, looking for a way to slow down their interaction, sometimes feeling a bit overwhelmed ourselves with the intensity. Or we’re trying to get the key points in a deluge of details that one or both partners relate to explain or bolster their perspective, but those details seem only to hide the core concerns. Or maybe we see one partner finally talk about his painful experience in the relationship and begin to sense a breakthrough, only to hear the other coolly suggest that what the partner needs is individual therapy to resolve his past issues.
Let’s face it, couple therapy can be hard – both for clients and therapists. It’s often provocative and hurtful for partners to hear themselves described as uncaring, demanding or worse by each other. And it feels risky for folks to be vulnerable in therapy when their sometime attacker is hearing their every word and perceiving the relationship so differently. But it can also be difficult for therapists – even well trained and experienced ones. Many of us received scant couple training in graduate school and, while we may be highly effective with individuals, can find ourselves in uncharted territory with couples, where good assessment is more systemic, the pace of sessions can be high speed and intervention often needs to happen in the moment.
Emotionally Focused Therapy, as originally developed by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg – and later enhanced with attachment theory by Sue Johnson – is a potent resource for couple therapists looking for ways to be more effective and efficient in their work. First, it helps the therapist arrive at a systemic view of the couple; in fact the EFT therapist sees the couple’s relationship as the client. While each partner’s history and constitution has an enormous influence, it’s the interaction of their histories, vulnerabilities and strengths that becomes the focus in therapy. Second, because the therapy focus is on in-session process, EFT has a rich repertoire of in-the-moment interventions to help partners slow down destructive processes in order to access, heighten and share the emotional vulnerability key to creating secure engagement. Finally, EFT posits that much of the couple distress we see is the result of attempts to cope with threats to trust and security. Attachment theory tells us that throughout the lifespan we all need the security of our closest partners to help with emotional regulation, a sense of belonging and the resilience needed to face loss and other stressors. The EFT therapist’s primary concern then is the restoration and/or strengthening of attachment bonds.
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