Over the Years

Over the years, it’s been interesting to watch the different circumstances wherein those husbands we’ve discipled have found the principles of Christ-likeness extremely valuable in the many circumstances that can surround a marriage.

Here’s an example:  

Hi Ken and Nancy,

I have some kind of sad news that I've been meaning to share about Gwen for some time now. In January, Gwen was diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer's dementia. Towards the end of last year, it became clear to me and to my oldest son that there was something really wrong. We set an appointment for Gwen in December, and the diagnosis came in January. The doctor's appointment included a cognitive test. To give you an idea of where we're at, when asked, Gwen could not give the nurse the day of the week, the day of the month, the month, or the year. Her cognitive decline is progressing, but otherwise Gwen is in pretty good physical health. The doctor has told me that there is no medical cure. Although various claims are out there, nothing has been proven to help or even slow down the progression of dementia. He said all I can do is manage our lives together and referred me to a social worker. Gwen can still seem pretty normal to others and can have short interactions without anyone noticing anything amiss.

In hindsight over at least the last two years, this answers so many questions. If I had known what was going on, we would never have had the disagreements we had! I'm letting you know all of this to thank you. I find that the lessons learned from Christ Quest Ministries are really helping me during this difficult part of life. Our doctors been complimentary about my understanding that a lot of patience is necessary to manage a loved one with Alzheimer's. At this point, it really does no good to contradict or reason with Gwen in whatever she says, it’s not possible to explain or reason anything through with her. She can't follow written or verbal instructions. She loses or misplaces things and has wild mood swings. People with Alzheimer's can become suspicious and accusatory and can even hallucinate. She sometimes thinks I have a girlfriend. I have taken over all of the cooking and cleaning responsibilities. I'm still working full time. It's been a really rough year so far and I can't imagine how it will get better any time soon.

Again, I tell you all of this with gratitude in my heart for your ministry. It really did prepare me well for these times. I want you to know that I know that God used you mightily to change my life for the better. Thank you so much for your help in setting me straight and on a better path than I was on. Gwen has a much better life partner because of it!

I love you both!

Kim

I do understand

I hear you. My mom went through the same things you’re describing. Because we were traveling to do seminars, we finally had to put her in a long-term facility. And to validate that there are many situations “happening” that are impossible to reason with — is to no avail — here’s a couple of examples:

Once, while with her in her room there at the “home” she asked me why they let dogs in? I thought she meant into the facility since I saw them on occasion, so I explained that some people enjoy being with dogs, so they have some people bring their dogs in for them to enjoy. She then asked, “Why did they leave them in my room?” There were no dogs in her room. But knowing that she literally saw them and was complaining, I told her that I would get rid of them and started acting as though I was shooing them out by saying, “Alright dogs, let’s move out.” When she saw that they were all out, I sat down with her and simply to be conversational I wondered how the dogs got in her room? She pointed to a set of curtains and told me the people hiding behind the curtains brought the dogs into her room. So, I got up, opened the curtains, and told the non-existent people that they needed to also go. Which, of course they followed my instructions while I followed them out. She also believed that some shadowy people were reaching down through the roof and trying to stab her — along with many other things she hallucinated about.

She did respond lovingly to my hugs. And when I asked her if she knew who I was, she first went through her brothers and when I told her that I was her son Ken, with a great big smile she would say, “I thought you looked familiar.” She passed away while in the nursing home.

I’m so grateful

One of the things I greatly appreciate about my kids and grandkids is that they save projects for me to do when I get to visit with them. Here’s an example. These cast iron and wood lawn chairs were so messed up with rust and missing wood they probably would ordinarily end up in the trash.

But they let me have the joy of restoring them.

It also keeps me out of mischief while I’m having all that fun.

Thanks to my sweethearts.

Spiritual Leadership Identified through a Question

Over the past fifty years I’ve asked thousands of Christian men, “Do you understand the mind of a woman?” Their answers have always been spoken either casually or emphatically, “No.”  I’ve explained to them that they could go anywhere in the world and get that same answer.

Some of those men have decided that they would validate whether or not that was true, then reported back to me that they too received those same responses. Of course, the “No” answers from all those, who were Christian men, revealed that they were in direct violation of Scripture: (I Peter 3:7), which God clearly, and specifically COMMANDS all husbands, to live with their wife in an understanding way.

I’ve also asked thousands of Christian men, “On who has God placed the responsibility for being your wife’s spiritual caretaker — leader, to care for your wife’s human spirit?” All of them have answered hesitatingly, questionably, or even emphatically, “That would be me.” Then I say, “Because you are to care for her spirit as the Christ would (See Ephesians 5:25-27), do you understand what her human spirit is?” Most have either, not answered, or have expressed some kind of bewilderment about exactly what caring for her spirit meant. 

I’ve asked those same men, “Can you specifically describe your own human spirit to me?” They in turn have asked me, “Could you reword that so I can get a better understanding of your question so I can answer it?” I answered with another question, “Is it possible, that you need me to reword it because you really don’t understand my question?” They have all responded, “Yes.”

My goal for asking questions is that the question will be absorbed into a man’s brain, thereby readying him for an answer which will build his understanding, so I ask, “Can you show me your right thumb?” Then, when he holds it up, I ask him, “When was the last time someone asked you to show them your right thumb?” Typically, their answer is, “Never.” I add, “And yet you knew exactly what and where it was! My goal for a Christian man is that he will know his own human spirit as well as he knows his right thumb; since your physical thumb will not accompany you into heaven but your human spirit will!”

Here’s my point: How can a man have a genuine, mature, personal, Spirit-to-spirit relationship with God, accompanied by the ability to fellowship with the Holy Spirit, or be his wife’s spirit’s caretaker and leader, leading her human spirit as the Christ’s representative (as validated when she agrees that he indeed does) if he doesn’t even know specifically what his own human spirit or hers is? 

Pardon me — but IT’S NOT LIKELY!

Christ Quest Ministries can help you achieve that ability. Check out our website: www.christquestministries.com.

Example from one of my clients:

Two days ago, while I was at my desk, in my office, my wife Cynthia, who was mopping the tile floor just outside my office door, stepped into my office with her mop in hand. She stepped quickly toward me. Her countenance was soft and vulnerable. I stood and opened my arms, and she almost fell into them. Weeping, she said. "I am so overwhelmed. You have been so nice to me anymore, showing me kindness in even the littlest things." We remained in a tight embrace for 15-20 seconds or so, and then she kissed me on the lips, and with mop in hand, went back to work.

The following day over lunch, she recalled "I’ve had to be the pillar in our marriage, which I was not designed to be, because you were not and you forced me to be someone I do not like."

This time (unlike previous times when she spoke to me about something like that) I listened quietly and thanked her for taking the risk of sharing something as tender as that with me.

Hard to imagine that in times past when we tangled, I was ready to flee. 

Talk about having a Help Meet!