Changed Thinking, Acting and Talking

Towards the conclusion of my conversation with a new client, as a form of validating ourselves and the Christ Quest Ministries as a discipleship ministry, I’ve asked (men) a husband, “Do you think like the Christ?” And his answer is some form of, “Wouldn’t that be great.” Even if he hesitantly says, “Sometimes.” That’s a reluctant form of answering, “No”. Next, “Do you act like the Christ?” Again, as a form of “no”, he regretfully says, “If only.” Finally, I ask, “Do you talk as a representative of the Christ?” The most common response is, “No, I wish I did!”

With a smile on my face to lighten up the atmosphere, I explain the reason for my questions are, “Ok, then all I want to do is change the way you think, act and talk!” And the smile on my face doesn’t relieve the seriousness of that part of our goal for every Christian in the world — that they become Christians.

Is there much doubt that it is a common factor in Christian marriages that husbands do not speak Womanese even though the Christ does? That alone is going to prove next to impossible for a husband to do, even while he’s trying to communicate spirit-to-spirit with his wife.

Especially in the face of marriages when there’s alienation, it’s not unusual for husbands to try and solve the alienation by writing letters to their wives as their effort to reignite the relationship. Unfortunately, the letter below is an example in too many cases.

When that’s true, I make myself available to them by asking that they send me their letter first. And since they don’t speak Womanese, my goal is to save them from deepening the alienations with their letter. Then too, to also use their letter as a teaching tool by explaining how a wife will be affected by the words he uses.

The re-write also serves the purpose of showing a husband how to think (as the Christ does, building his awareness of the effects Christ-like thinking can convey), to act (as a Christ-like letter writer), and talk (as the Christ would in the words he uses) all to accomplish the means of learning how to think, act, and talk like the Christ does. Which has an amazing effect on a wife.

What I’ve done to this letter is not unusual. I’ve used a lot of marking pens discipling husbands to think, act, and talk like a Christ-like husband.

Here’s an example of the letter he submitted: 

Here’s a small example of the words he used:

“I want you to want me!! I want you to love me!! I want you to depend on me!! I want you to feel safe with me!! I want you to know I will listen to your heart!!”

And several more troublesome paragraphs. But, how can he say those things when he doesn’t even know how to do them. The proof, why would he need to write those words in an attempt at trying to reconcile if he knew how to illustrate them?

The unmarked sixth page was the final draft I submitted to him.

It says:

(Wife’s name),

After all these years of creating damage to your spirit, I’m finally realizing that God was using you to show me where I seriously need help. As I’m being discipled for Christ-likeness, I’m starting to see where I am and have been severely destructive, and instead of accepting your words of reproof, I got defensive and fought back. I wrongly determined that my way was the right way, without any understanding or consideration of how I was affecting you. I was not calculatingly aware of or applying God's ways. These last six months have been the toughest time of my life as I’m discovering how un-Christ-like I am. God has made me take a good look at myself through reading His word. My behavior has not been even close to that of a godly husband.

Since I have proven myself untrustworthy, it’s wise of you not to trust me. In fact, don’t trust me until I’ve proven myself trustworthy. And even though I don't deserve it, I hope you can forgive me because my goal is to become more and more Christ-like.

(Husband’s signature)

This kind of letter does not remove the accumulated alienation and built-up lack of trust. It just “opens the door a tiny crack” for a wife to look through; to “peek” and see who it was who “said” those words. There is no such thing as a quick fix! Remember how long Jesus had to spend with the disciples!

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This is Really Fascinating

Remember the Tower of Babel? Check out Genesis 11:1-9, (AMPC). It tells us, “11 And the whole earth was of one language and of one accent and mode of expression. 2 And as they journeyed eastward, they found a plain (valley) in the land of Shinar, and they settled and dwelt there. 3 And they said one to another, Come, let us make bricks and burn them thoroughly. So they had brick for stone, and slime (bitumen) for mortar. 4 And they said, Come, let us build us a city and a tower whose top reaches into the sky, and let us make a name for ourselves, lest we be scattered over the whole earth. 5 And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower which the sons of men had built.

6 And the Lord said, Behold, they are one people and they have [a]all one language; and this is only the beginning of what they will do, and now nothing they have imagined they can do will be impossible for them. 7 Come, let Us go down and there confound (mix up, confuse) their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech. 8 So the Lord scattered them abroad from that place upon the face of the whole earth, and they gave up building the city. 9 Therefore the name of it was called Babel—because there the Lord confounded the language of all the earth; and from that place the Lord scattered them abroad upon the face of the whole earth.”

An artist’s rendering of,

The Tower of Babel.

These are thought to be the remains of the Tower of Babel along with several other locations.

Ahhh, but here’s the really fascinating part.

The Chinese people did not know how to communicate to each other in written language after this event. They knew the story of Creation so they used ideograms of Creation to communicate in a fashion that they all were able to understand and re-tell. Let me show you some of these words where they used Creation to develop their language:

Consider the Chinese word for “boat".

The Chinese ideograms that construct this word are: Big boat = “eight” + “persons” + “vessel” There were “eight” “people” in a “vessel”. If a big boat were going to be depicted, why not have 100’s of people in a vessel. Why eight? It’s based on the biblical account of the flood. There were eight people in Noah’s Ark (Noah, his wife and three sons with each of their wives).

Next, notice the Chinese word for “devil".

This time the ideogram is: “motion” (or alive) + “garden” + “man” + “privately” (or secret) = Devil

Garden!? What is the innate relationship between “garden” and “devil”? There is no relationship to each other at all.

Yet, the ancient Chinese then built on that, by combining “devil” with “two trees” for the ideogram for “tempter”:

Chinese: “Devil” + under “cover” + “2 trees” = Tempter

So the “devil”, under the cover of “two trees,” is the “tempter” of mankind. If I was going to make an innate connection to temptation, I might relate it to a tempting situation or a tempting vice. But why two trees? What does “gardens” and “trees” have to do with “devils” and “tempters”? Compare it with the Genesis account:

The LORD God had planted a garden in the east… in the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:8-9) Now the serpent was more crafty… he said to the woman, “Did God really say …” (Genesis 3:1)

To be tempted is going to involve “desire” or “covet”. Why connect a “woman” and “two trees”. Most men would relate “desire” in a sexual sense with “woman”. That would be an easier conclusion. But the Chinese did not do so.

Then, consider the ideogram used to construct the word for “righteous”.

The above ideogram is one word split in two so it will fit in this column

Chinese: “dagger” + “hand” + “sheep” = “righteousness”

Righteousness is a compound of “sheep/lamb” over “me”. And “me” is a compound of “hand” and “lance” or “dagger”. It conveys the idea that my hand will kill the lamb and result in my righteousness. The sacrifice or death of the lamb in my place gives me righteousness.

The Chinese have been an honorable race. Their past idea of righteousness has always been character and action based. The lamb is not even considered anything of importance in the Chinese culture (unlike the sacred cows in India), why would “righteousness” have to do with a sheep/lamb over you?

This is one of the reasons why Christianity is spreading faster in China than in any part of the world right now, and against all odds. The modern Chinese came from a regime that was communist, they hated and mocked all religion.  

Many Chinese people realize the implications that their ancient Chinese language has biblical themes. This historical connection implies that the Book of Genesis has truth to it and their great grand ancestors had either experienced or heard firsthand the events like Noah’s Ark, and at one time there was a commonality amongst people that there was only one God.

These ideograms give credibility concerning the Tower of Babel. Wherein all men spoke one tongue and knew of only one God. But were separated and spread out to the ends of the globe with their different languages so they couldn’t communicate with each other.

Here’s another fascinating occurrence about language.

After the Tower of Babel, the two illustrations above, show that people’s recall of the account of Creation, as recorded in the Bible, gave them memories upon which they could develop words and an alphabet in their new language that would allow them to communication with each other.

I’m wondering how many languages were developed in that same way?

Dad and God being compared

Proverbs 17:6b (KJV) tells us that “…the glory of children are their fathers.” Not the mother, but the father. So, what’s God trying to communicate to us fathers?

Let’s look at the Greek language to get a clearer picture. The word “glory” in Greek is doxa. It has two root words, doko and deiknuo. Together, they’re expressing that the father is being seen, looked at, watched and observed; and as a result of all that observation, conclusions are being drawn.

For me, to make that verse personally applicable, I can use each of those words translated from Greek to English making it read: A father’s child is seeing him, he’s being looked at, being watched, being observed, and as a result of all that observation conclusions are being drawn. And of course, any time you see the word “glory”, you have to place God in that occasion.

So, a paraphrase would read like this: “The child is seeing his father, his father is being looked at, being watched, being observed, and as a result of all that child’s observations, that child is drawing conclusions about who God is!”

That’s a heavy responsibility!

Further, since the father is the glory of the child… are we watching, looking at, seeing and observing our Father God so as we observe who He is, then replicating Him? That leads to mastering life!

That’s the purpose of Christ Quest Ministries.

Here’s proof of the results of a dad’s application of this:

Ken Nair saved my family.

In March of 2020, after 23 ½ year of marriage and 10 different attempts at marriage counseling, and my wife having left me twice before coming back, I finally read Ken Nair’s book.  My pastor at the time, our tenth marriage counselor, had given me Ken’s book, saying that it had changed his marriage dramatically decades earlier.

I had nothing to lose, as I was now becoming the one in the marriage that had reached the end of my rope, was tired of the complete lack of respect my wife and kids had for me, and was seriously considering divorce, even though my wife had cancer.  I remember hiking Canfield Mountain on a rainy Sunday afternoon and telling God I had had it with my wife and kids, and I simply couldn’t put up with it anymore.

So then, I started thinking through the ramifications of this plan of action.  I’m a Christian, and without a biblical reason to divorce my wife, I would not be biblically able to remarry.  My kids would hate me more, so all I could envision in my future would be a lonely old man with no wife and no kids to hang out with.  Not a good picture of what my future would look like.

Then I remembered the book Pastor Jack had given me.  Nothing else had ever worked, but he and his wife seemed to have an awesome marriage, and he gave credit to Ken’s book!  So, I got it off my shelf and read it.  Good stuff, and a unique approach, but a book alone isn’t enough to change me.  Then, I saw in the back of the book that Ken discipled people.  I looked him up, and sure enough, I was able to book my first call/Facetime with Ken.

My first call with Ken and his famous, “How can I help” led to me just saying “tell me what to do.”  He told me what to write down and read it to Heather.  Later that day I did.  She said, “Hhmmph – We’ll see.” Then she turned, walked away and slammed the door on me!  By my third one-on-one meeting with Ken, she asked me, “what are you telling this guy?!?”  I tried to tell her that he wouldn’t let me even complain about her for more than 20 seconds without cutting me off, and I invited her to join me.  She did, and after a very eventful meeting with Ken, her and I, she told me that she didn’t mind if I kept talking with Ken…

Ken told me that if it took me 23 ½ years to get this bad, that I should plan on a few years to heal up the mess I’d created.  I settled in for the long run. I started buying his other books.  I signed up for the three-year CQI program and went through it on my own over the next couple years.  My older daughter started visiting from out of state and asking, “Is Pop really being nice to Mom now?” The atmosphere in our home began to change – more laughing, less scolding.  Heather began to speak up more, not just to me directly, but to the kids when they needed a “speaking” to.  Even though she only lived another 2 ½ years, she became a more amazing woman during that time than I had ever remembered.  We truly became closer than at any time in our marriage.

At one point, maybe 3 or 4 months into my discipling with Ken, I remember him asking me, “Mike, are you just doing all this so Heather will be nice to you?”  I said, “Well of course!” He then said, “Mike, Mike, what if Heather died tonight?  Are you going to stop being Christlike?”  I started to get the point.  Crazy, but at the time, I don’t think Ken even knew that Heather had cancer.  After she passed away, I booked another call with Ken, asking him, “So now how do I apply all this Christlike stuff to being a single dad?”  Ken gave me amazing advice.  Seems like the perspective that Ken brings to the situation is so completely different than what anyone else has ever given me.  And he always has verses to back it up.

Now I am blessed to be able to attend the CQI+, where there’s a group of us men all working on being Christlike, while being coached by Ken and Tim.  It’s invaluable, as I actually have to do my homework and turn it in, so I am getting a more complete lesson from all the Bible verses we look up and study every week before our videos.  Then the “Warrior” coaching times are great, as we not only get our own coaching, but we get to hear Ken speak to other issues that we don’t just get on the videos or on the coursework. 

Not sure how Ken has gleaned this phenomenal perspective on all the ways we can continue to be Christlike, but I owe the blessing of a joyful family at peace – to Ken’s mentoring and discipleship.  I’ve got a super long way to go.  But God is good. He is faithful.  He won’t leave me alone in this process.  He’s with me in the fire.  Life has been more joyful, even with severe trials heading our way.  Romans 8:28 and James 1:2 are some key verses.

I’ve referred guys in crisis to Ken, and some of them have received no benefit — turns out they really wouldn’t look in the mirror at the real problem, and, I guess, never asked the question like I did in session #1 – “Just tell me what to do!”

Thank you, Ken. Your pointing me to Christ has saved my family.

Mike

Mike’s son David: “Growing up I had an okay relationship with my dad, but I strongly disliked him many times. He and my mom would get into a fight daily it seemed.

Couldn’t wait to move out of the house and start my own family.

I remember when my dad started being coached by Ken Nair that he actually listened to me during a conversation, and I realized something had changed. He stopped yelling and I could tell he was trying to be better and also more loving.

At one time I wanted to be the complete opposite of my dad but now he is my hero and best friend. I’ve forgiven him for everything in the past and enjoy talking to him about anything and everything now!

I’ve also joined the Christ Quest Institute’s Fellow Warriors Zoom classes.

God is good!”

His 27 year old daughter, Hannah: “All I know is God used Ken Nair in a mighty way to help dad to be a better husband, he made Mom so happy.” 

Another Daughter of Mike’s

Before counseling, there was toxic communication, tension, constant misunderstandings and strife. Quick to anger. In my childhood and early adult years there had been a barrier, no trust, emotional distress, etc. My mom and Mike had a very toxic relationship. Full of strife, tears, uncertainty. The whole home was affected; the ripple effect was clear. The home was a constant state of tension, and we all were walking on eggshells, so we didn’t start an argument. Very few seasons of peace in the home. 

I know it was hard on my mom; it was hard on all of us children too. In the past few years since Ken has mentored Mike, I now truly trust him wholeheartedly, can ask him advice and he is now truly a dad to me. I saw his marriage to my mom (for a beautiful season prior to her passing) transformed like the miracle it truly was! There was harmony and laughter in the home. He would listen to her and value her. She glowed; she beamed with joy! In one of her last conversations with my aunt, she told her she wanted to have a vow renewal! 

Mike is very cautious now and considers things and prays about things instead of reacting in anger. While he always taught his family the Word of God, I’m now seeing him live out what he reads in scripture. There is peace when you enter the home. You can feel it. It’s beautiful and nothing like ever before! I trust him completely with my kids, he is such a loving and encouraging grandpa to them! These are all thing I prayed would be reality someday, and now it’s all unfolding before me!

I know that the root of this is a heart change by God alone, but He certainly used Ken Nair as a vital tool in this transformation! Mike attended counseling over the years and never was convicted like he has been under Ken’s mentorship. Ultimately, the counseling has been very effective and has produced true genuine transformation in Mike! 

Praise God!