Re-entry for Summer
by Connie Lissner
I remember when my oldest was coming home for the summer after his freshman year in college. I was positively giddy. I could not wait to have the whole family under one roof again. Things could finally go back to normal. After he was home for a couple of days, it was clear that “normal” had a new definition. Following months of being on his own and doing things “his way” (a phrase I heard at least 20 times a day), my newly returned college student bucked against our family life. Sleep was on his time (i.e., not when the rest of us tended to sleep), meals were often eaten out with friends and hanging out with his family was not a priority.
Of course, he wasn’t the only one who needed to adjust. When he first left for college, I thought I'd never get used to his empty bedroom or setting the table for three instead of four. Shockingly, however, I did. I also adjusted to less laundry, smaller grocery bills and a significant reduction in noise in our house. After three years, I developed a survival plan that might be helpful as you adjust to your student returning home.
1. Set ground rules early. Don’t wait until you explode to share your expectations with your daughter or son. Take curfew, for instance. I can guarantee that your returning college student will balk at having a curfew. Their argument will go something like this: “You didn’t stay up all night worrying about where I was when I was away” (little do they know, right?). But maybe you want them home at a reasonable hour so you can sleep without being woken at 3 a.m. by someone making a grilled cheese. Whatever you expect of your student—chores, family commitments, attitudes—address this early and often.
2. Respect the evolving sibling dynamic. Maybe your middle child is reveling in her new role of older sibling, or your solo younger child is enjoying his space. With the return of your college student, family dynamics will shift, and new conflicts are bound to pop up. For instance, my youngest, who used to follow his older brother everywhere, now found him in the way. Their bickering was non-stop, and I was forced to play referee over things as ridiculous as who got the middle kitchen counter stool.
3. Be flexible. Sure it’s your house, your rules, but remember that your student has been managing life without you (no matter how many times a day they text). You want to encourage that independence. Now is the time to let go—just a little.
4. Negotiate what you are willing to do for your child. Will you do their laundry? Cook every meal? Yes, my son knows how to do laundry, but I personally prefer to have all the laundry done at once, and I don’t want my laundry washed like a college student washes his laundry.
5. Be prepared to see less of your student than you would like. Toss aside dreams of daily family dinners, game nights and late night talks around the kitchen counter. Schedule an occasional mandatory family dinner and seize any chance to chat around the counter even if that means that you're awake and willing to make that post-midnight grilled cheese sandwich.
6. Most importantly, marvel at the new person your young adult has become. Whatever expectations I have of who is coming through my door at the end of the school year, I am always a little surprised by who actually shows up. Maybe it’s because of a class he’s taken, a new friend he’s met or a new experience he’s had, but every time my son comes home he is a little different, a little more of his own person. And that really is something to look forward to.
