Ask Sandy

Building New Leadership Muscles

In coaching conversations, people often realize there’s a skill they know would make them more effective, but they aren’t using it. One of the most common is giving direct feedback.

They understand it matters. They want to do it. And yet, when the moment comes, they hesitate. When we avoid a behavior long enough, we build a different muscle: the muscle of avoidance.

Think about learning a new physical activity like picking up golf for the first time. Gripping the club correctly feels awkward. Your swing feels stiff. Nothing feels natural. But over time, repetition builds muscle memory. What once felt uncomfortable becomes automatic.

Leadership skills work the same way.

When you begin practicing a new managerial behavior, whether it’s giving feedback, making requests, or setting boundaries, it can feel awkward at first. That discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s a sign you’re growing. And growth requires practice.

Just as you wouldn’t start weightlifting with the heaviest barbell, you shouldn’t begin practicing new interpersonal skills in your highest-stakes situations. Start by taking on low-risk actions to build confidence before tackling the big moments.

If the stakes still seem too high, prepare and practice. Write out what you want to say. Role-play with someone you trust. Ask for feedback on your tone and clarity.

I once worked with a leader who struggled to make requests. Even asking her admin to make copies for a board meeting felt uncomfortable. We practiced together. Then I encouraged her to build the “request muscle” in low-risk situations:

♦ Asking a store owner for change without buying anything

♦ Asking to use a restroom in a restaurant without ordering

♦ Asking strangers for directions

The goal wasn’t the outcome; it was the repetition. With practice, asking became easier. Her discomfort faded.

I’ve helped others strengthen their ability to say no by making gradually more unreasonable requests of them until they could decline clearly and calmly. The exercise can even become playful. When I asked a client if I could move in with them for three months while my kitchen was being remodeled, they said yes, and asked me to clean their house and make dinner for them every night while I was there. We both had no trouble saying no way!

Once you identify an area for growth, look for safe, low-risk opportunities to practice. Start small. Build gradually. Repeat often. Over time, what once felt awkward will feel natural, and the muscle you’ve built will support you when it matters most.

If you have questions you’d like Sandy to address in future newsletters, email them to sandy@learningadvantageinc.com

I have found that when new teams or groups come together it is useful to establish norms for interaction. They may include “be on time to meetings” or “show appreciation to your colleagues.” The key is to establish agreements for how the group will get along.

Many people think these norms are in the “network of obviousness” and need not be stated. But what’s obvious to some may be obstruse to others. And for some people, certain norms are especially important even though they are not universally observed.

For example, at a dinner party at the home of friends I got up to take my plate to the kitchen when dinner was over. The hostess quickly told me to leave my plate on the table and she would clean later. When I host dinner parties, I appreciate guests who bring their plates to the kitchen and help with clean-up. That’s my norm for dinner party behavior. But the hostess has a small kitchen and prefers to clean in a systematic fashion. Having all the dishes piled up on her counter makes it harder for her to clean.

In a similar fashion, managers may have norms for how people should do their work. One leader prioritizes any requests that come from his leaders, and he expects his staff will do the same when he makes requests of them. He was surprised when a request he made of a junior member wasn’t addressed until the end of the day. The staff member did not have the same norm as the leader: he organized his work based on tasks that were similar....

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