1. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
2. Which letter is silent in the word “scent”? The “s” or the “c”?
3. Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?
4. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
5. The word “swims” upside down is still “swims”.
6. More than 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
7. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
8. Why is there a “d” in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
9. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but irritating everyone is a piece of cake.
10. I’m responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity, but obviously, there’s a new strain out there.
13. It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
14. I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the bin on trash day.
15. As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, I’m sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
16. As I’ve grown older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy-efficient.
17. I haven’t manged to get anything done today. I’ve been in the fresh produce aisle trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
18. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
19. Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
20. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
21. I’m on two simultaneous diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
22. I put my scale in the bathroom corner, and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologises.
23. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 tabs open, three of them frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
24. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
25. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found “mute” by now.
26. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
